2011 – The Day Andrew told me we were together for the kid only

So, I found this… I am so proud of myself for documenting this – the Day Andrew let me know that he didn’t love me… William was 3.

A Life without Love

Cut to 2015 – I left Andrew Last year. I don’t have my house to decorate this Christmas. I don’t get to have cookies and cocoa with Amy and Carl. I don’t get to see my neighbors’ decorations. No block party. 🙁

THIS is actually the BEST chapter of my life because for the first time in my life, I feel loved.

I’m ready.

Something I’ve been thinking about though.

With every heartbreak.
With every moment of disappointment.
Every heart ache.
Each and every day in captivity.

For Every single pain.
Every stinging word.
For when I mourned my life, for when I was beaten for crying I received no love.
For Every time violence was experienced.
For Every belligerent action experienced.
For every single moment of pain.

For every second, minute, hour, day, month and year knowing I was unloved and uncared for.
For every night I wept myself silently in fear to sleep.
For every loveless companion.
For every lonely night.
For every judgmental look by sisters who were married.
For every unkind rumor they established about me.
For all the dinners I was not invited to because I was unmarried.

For every broken dream
For every lost hope
For every day I denied love was real because I knew it not
For every night I sat in the dark, staring into the nothingness that my life had become
For every warm tear falling from my heavenly eyes
For every prayer in hope of freedom
For every time I snuck out and was beaten for going to church against his will
For the times I was beaten for my faith

I held my love back, captured deep within my heart, waiting – waiting for that one day when someone deserving could appreciate me completely.

Since Jesus loves me, I know it’s possible I can find love.

“When the time is right in the Lord, you will meet a worthy member holding the Holy Melchizedek Priesthood who will take you to the temple and you will be sealed for time and all eternity. Great blessings will come into your life.”

Of course there are all those unworthies trying to sabotage this… I noticed.

So I think it’s close!

At this point, I realize – with unworthy men, weaknesses become vices, vices become part of their character.

At this point, only a worthy member could be strong enough to be with me. I’m not that special but he will need to be. This may not happen.

1. You can’t just show up
2. You can’t like me but not care about me
3. You better not be too shy or take too long because I’ll be gone.

I can’t help but feel like the one I had hoped for – the one who I have been waiting for… the one with heavenly eyes… will be prepared for someone else. And… That I should be gracious enough to help and let it happen. Yeah… I’m not that gracious, but I always do what my father requests…even when it does hurt me so.